Remember my post about my stupid father.. yes i call him like that. About why i hate him, hate him in a way i treat him like a stranger, stranger who comes to the house that will eat and then sleep, then leave in the morning, then will come back again at the evening and so on.. Hate him because of all the problems that we are facing financially since his retirement fee, of course it's a big one, coz he's working in a bank.. well he invested all at the stocks.. i mean "ALL".. all of it, walang natira kahit isang sentimo, he invested in the stupid fucking stocks of plastic containers. He didn't even planned investing my college tuition fees. I understand he was a father to me, i was spoiled by him when i was young, i play at the arcades like there is no tomorrow, watch movies with my mom.. it was fun.. but that was then, way back then.. It's happy to reminisce, i can just cry remembering it, you have the money to spend that is. You can say i am such a baby whining and that i am just too fucking emotional with it. But being in a family like this one is very..hard..too much anxiety eats your mind and heart. Being the only child, and the eldest of all the cousins you have, and the eldest to be the first in college, who will finish college.. like yeah finishing college is already one of my problems.. With all the CAP and shit in school. You just need to show the family members that you can and you must be good at school. Your mom tells you that "Galingan mo pag-aaral mo." "Para makalipat tayo ng bahay." "Para makaalis na tayo dito" Hell yeah i want to go out because this house is just full of bad memories, and our house is just too small.. and old.. like we are the poorest here in Ayala Alabang haha.. Thus it made me furious..

Bad memories.. from my father, you see.. i just can't stand to see my mother cry, especially with what my father did to his suppose to be the "puhunan" man lang para sa pamilya niya. Which didn't even cross in his stupid mind.. selfish mind that is.. My mother cried and hatred came because he asked my father where was the retirement fee. My father gave my mom 200k.00 pesos and said that's it.. and the other was used to pay his debts in the company. Which is fucking retarded for the other millions was just gone!? And then sooner the family found out and was confessed by my father that he invested all of it in the stocks.. So the hatred stayed, even i, i was like fourth year high school, and i understand clearly what is happening.. Thus it made me furious.. I never talked to my father starting that day..

We tried to forget it (my mom). But then my father starts to brag that "at least" he had bought the house and we are still living "in his house." That made my mother furious , even i.. He starts ordering my mom to do the laundries for his clothes. Because my mother stopped because of all that my father is doing and talking bullshit inside "his" house. My father also told my mother that if she can't do the laundry, there is always the Washing machine, well, my mother stopped using it if the used clothes are not that many, just to save money (now see our status financially) I heard my mom cry while talking to my aunt (her youngest sister) ang sabi.. "Parang ako pa ang may kasalanan.. Siya na nga tong walang trabaho, siya pa ang kapal, sinabihan po ko, "E may washing machine naman e!" Nagtitipid nga kasi wala naman naitutulong.". Then we noticed he is loosing weight..

I don't know maybe God, gave my father a mild stroke and diabetes. He was confined.. My father stop believing in God and just lived in his own for almost 3 or 4 years up to present. His family members, decided to get my stupid father, and put him into vacation in their place in "tagaytay". It was 2 or 3 months, without my father in "his" house, i felt it was just serinity that i felt, no more fights at night and early mornings. Nawalan ng salot sa bahay..

Then one time i had a time with my father alone, the two of us, in "his" house. When he came back..  I told him that i hated him, i cursed him, that i forbid myself to act like his son, that he will never be my father, how can he do this, especially to my mom. You know what he said? silently he told me this words.. "E pera ko naman yun.. Kaya ako ang gagastos nun" Sabi ko, P|_|tang ina mo, napakamakasarili mo, hindi mo man lang kami inisip!! I told myself that i will never have a conversation with him forever.

We always have this fights, when he do something that i dont like, and when he order me to do this things, especially when he ask me to turn off the computer.. i told him.. you dont have the fucking right to order me.. i don't know you.. i don't want to hear your fucking voice ordering me, your voice just annoys me.. Then he asks me.. silently.. like a child "Bakit ba galit na galit ka sakin.. Tangalin mo na yan.." ..Sabi ko, "Gago ka pala sinong niloloko mo, alam mo naman siguro kung bakit ako ganito, wala ka nang ginawa samin kundi magpabigat ng buhay namin!! Napipilitan pa tuloy ng nanay ko mag apply abroad para sa pera.." I cried, because i love my mother and i dont want to see her cry. I told him. "Kahit simpleng bagay hindi mo magawa! Hindi ka marunong magwalis, di ka marunong magputol ng halaman, di ka marunong maglaba, hindi ka marunong magluto!! Napakawalang kwenta mo!!"

The worst fight i ever had was i punched the wooden door of his room. I never felt that feeling before, i never thought punching something hard when your angry just feels so good i striked it thrice. Well yeah.. i cant move my right hand and fingers after that night, i even tried to hide it at school and to my mom... After that, he never pestered me, he was quiet and does not interfere anymore with my daily doings.. It was silent.. I was calm..

Then just yesterday, my father puked in his room, my mother angry, told him that our c.r. is just near and he could've ran to it. Then this morning he again fucking puked in our dining table, pati ulam ko nadamay... i just woke up, but stayed at my bed, i heard  my mother angry, "Diyos ko (*name), andyan lang ang cr di ka pa makapunta, ang aga ko gumising malalate na ko, para lang makapagluto ng ulam ni jan! Diyos ko pabigat ka talaga" I felt the same way, I felt bad because i saw my mom cried again and trying to help my dad remove his puke on the table and the floor.. My mother called her ward at PGH and said she'll be late for an hour.. My mother told my father, that he should try to have a vacation again at their house at tagaytay, para man lang hindi kami mahihirapan sa bahay.. My father said ok..

My mother left for work, and i waited for my father to leave.. I asked him, "Diba aails ka? Umalis ka na, mauna ka na bago sakin." (since papasok ako) He just sat and stand, vice versa like he's from the mental hospital, then hell go and drink water, and sit again. He did this for almost 20 minutes while i was asking him to leave.. I called my mother at sabi ko na parang nawawala na sa sarili, sabi sakin, kung kumain na ba raw, sabi ko oo, since kumain ng oatmeal.. Sabi sakin, sige mauna na raw ako.. I said ok.. so i went to the c.r. to have my bath, after the bath, i saw our door closed, and my father left..

I went to school to do my SA work, and didnt have any class because of the event in school about valentines day.. I went straight at greenbelt and went home at 10:00pm, i wonder the light of the tv inside is not open, since i'm used to it because my mom is supposed to be watching the television. The door was locked, opened it, and saw a letter on the table, stating "jan, di ako makakauwi naconfine daddy mo sa ospital ng muntinlupa, baka di ako makauwi ngayong gabi.." If you ask what i am feeling right now, i just don't know.. maybe im afraid and sad, even though i hate my father, he is still my father.. Plus he's all to blame since he is diagnosed with diabetes, he does not believe in medicine and only take medicinal herbs.. Diabetes without medication will cause the patient to loose weight, loose strength, kidney failures and organ failures..  My father was fat, he is now like a stick. His brothers and sisters sometimes joke that my father looks like the husband of my lola (his mother) kapag magkatabi. Heh i hate my father. I really do. I love my mother. Not like my father. You may say that i am a useless son of his and should die. I will accept your "compliments" but you dont have the right to judge me, since, you never had been, into this family...

Forgiveness is still there. But i will never forget what he did that made my mother's hatred.. that marked everything from where it started..